I didn’t mean to but this has been my year of saying no.
My “yes, yes, yes” attitude in recent years felt freeing and full until I stepped back and looked at the quality of my time, experiences and relationships. I found myself at events, with others or fulfilling tasks that left me wondering “how the heck I did this happen?” IT WAS ME. I had to figure it out. As a classic “black and white” thinker, I pulled back, retreated and sort of disappeared from all the things that once inspired me to exclaim “YES”. I am not so sure disappearing was the best way to say no and it certainly wasn’t connecting. I had to learn the art of saying “no” to ensure I could remain connected – first to myself to arrive at the “no”, and remain connected to others. I also had to be open to information from others. If I say “no” and I lose my value in someone’s eyes — then maybe I need to say no to having that person in my life too. Ouch—uncomfortable!
The boundary of knowing your truest “yes” and truest “no” will lead you to being more connected to YOU and OTHERS! More importantly to the right people, places and things. Learning the art of saying “no” is probably the best gift I have given myself this year. So, why is it so hard for us (me!) to say no sometimes? People pleasing, perfectionism and other pressures from our culture lead the way to the answer. Without the skill of knowing when, where and who we should say no to, we can be stuck with resentments, FEELING DRAINED and overwhelmed with demands that don’t feed us. Recently a friend posted on Facebook “how can I get to my own answer when I have so many other people’s influence and opinions?” My advice to her was to ask her own gut. Her gut knows everything she needs to know. And so does YOURS! How relieving is that? Your “yes” and “no” – your truest response, is in you already. Trust me.
How does the strategy of saying “no” make relationships more connected and easier? Relationships get disconnected and hard when we are “yes, (wo)men”. We aren’t living connected to ourselves when we say “yes” to be accepted, so others are pleased or in order to AVOID the DISCOMFORT and FEAR related to “no”. There are fears in all of us that we will miss out, be considered difficult or selfish if we aren’t pleasing others. The truth is we MUST reign in our selves and fine tune the art of when to say yes or no –to be connected to ourselves FIRST.
Here are 8 ways to practice finding your truest “yes” and truest “no”:
- Get quiet. Hear your own thoughts. Hmmm…Calm to connect. I sense a theme.
- Literally ask your “gut”. Your gut knows everything you need to know.
- Write about it. Step away then go back to your written word. Not a pros and cons list, simply write out your thoughts and feelings.
- Talk about it. Hearing your own voice (your own wisdom!) is powerful and informative. Use a recording app on your phone – babble at a red light. It works.
- Sleep on it. Your brain works for you and quite optimally while we sleep.
- Ask the experts but ONLY AFTER you have asked yourself. Get clear on YOUR OWN EXPERTISE. You are your own expert.
- Stay focused on your “ultimate goal”. What is your ultimate goal? Example: kind and healthy children and family life – ok, does “yes” bring you closer to your goal or not? Example: I want to save money for a new car – ok, does “yes” to a Vegas girls trip bring you closer to your goal? Example: I need more fun and to get away from the city –ok, then say yes to that Vegas trip 😉
- Ask yourself why you would say yes. Remember this: examine closely if your answer to this question is “…because I should…”.
There you have it, Connectors. The art of saying “no” and “yes”…
If you haven’t done it already, grab part 2 of my free workbook: Connection Strategies for Every Relationship – Clarity for Connection. The exercises will help you identify your feelings that will lead you to better understand your needs, which in turn will help you find your true “yes” and your true “no”.