It’s time to start chipping away at The Relationship Playbook by assessing how accessible (try saying that 3 times!) your partner is while pondering how accessible you are to your partner. Be sure you pay attention to this one!
Let’s review:
Being accessible, reliable, responsive, and engaged with another builds T.A.B.S.: trust, assurance, boundaries, (emotional) safety.
True or False? My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. ____________.
If you answered, true — yay! And if this feeds your T.A.B.S. double yay! Use this information to recognize what is going well in your relationship. Are you able to articulate which area of T.A.B.S. is fed by this true statement? Are you able to articulate specific, observable ways your partner shows you you come first? Be sure to drill down and get to these answers and share with him/her because for you this is a relationship success that should be shared and celebrated! I do want you to continue reading to stay informed in how the Relationship Playbook works. You will have access to all the A.R.R.E. assessments questions in part 3 of the workbook, “Connection Strategies for Every Relationship: Relationship Know How”.
Now…if you answered “false”, on a scale of 1 to 10 rate the distress of this statement being “false”. By giving your answer some weight you can better decipher how much time, energy and conversation you want to indulge in to turn this false into a true. Perhaps it is not distressful to you that you don’t come first with your partner. For some relationships this is perfectly ok while for other relationships this may be wounding for one or both partners.
For example: let’s say you answered “false” and on scale of 1 to 10 you rated this false a 3 on the distress scale. Though your partner does not show you come first in this stage of your relationship, this isn’t very distressing to you. In fact the 3 comes from understanding the nature of his work life, demands and so on. Your partner may see your low distress as a way his T.A.B.S. are fed: “She is so flexible around my work demands, it really helps my stress level…I am assured by this strength of hers.” This is great information for your Relationship Playbook.
Let’s say your answered false and a distress level of “8”. This is key information for you to have as you weigh your other responses in the upcoming complimentary workbook “Connection Strategies for Every Relationship Part 3: Relationship Know How”. If this were the only false and/or the only area of distress, you and your partner have laser focus on what needs attention, change and for some cases what needs to be accepted for one reason or another.
If this is one of many areas of distress, you and your partner could benefit from professional services from a licensed marriage and family therapist or another licensed professional to support the emotional components of this thing we call life. Listen, relationships can get hard…we disconnect and it seems too difficult to turn toward and resolve the disconnection. Use the information you are learning here to create change where you can and extra help when you know you need it.
Ready to start putting this information into practice and get practical tools to better your relationship? Download part 3 of the workbook “Connection Strategies for Every Relationship: Turning Toward Others.