I am on a mission! I want to make relationships more connected and easier! Sounds good, huh? The trick is we must start with the relationship we have with ourself. First we calm the self, then we get clear. Then we connect. Let’s start with clarity and emotions. We AVOID them, FAKE them, SUPPRESS them and DISTRACT ourselves from our most important emotional experiences – and frankly, I am over it enough for all of us! Join the mission!
We all got ‘em. Emotions, feelers, feelings… We feel so much all at one time, it is fascinating to me that when asked, “how are you?” we seem to have an automatic response to sugar coat or soften our truth. I have been experimenting lately with my own automatic response and sharing the truth with those around me. It has NOT been easy and not always well received. Oh well!
Yes, there are certain people and times we use social or professional norms to answer more benignly. But I am talking about our most intimate and supposedly safest relationships. We are not articulating our truest self and our truest experience. One of the first tools I use as a sex and relationship therapist is The Emotion Word List. My clients know it well! Often times if I ask, “so, how does that feel?” (OMG, SUCH a typical therapist thing to say) and I get back an answer like “ok”, “fine” or “good” I lovingly and teasingly suggest I get out The Emotion Word List to help my clients identify their emotions more accurately. I find that when using the word list clients (me included!) discover just the right words. Better yet, clients will begin to notice a pattern of where and when these emotions arise.
Once we can identify the emotions, we can more accurately identify the need affiliated with their emotions. You will find a chart of common human needs in the latest portion of the workbook “Connection Strategies for Every Relationship Part 2: Clarity to Connection”. I find getting familiar with these common needs are like finding a missing puzzle piece. When we meet our needs or ask for needs to be met (community, fun, independence – just to name a few) relationships become easier and we will be more connected to ourself and others.
So, download the workbook and pull out the emotion word list. It is truly the most simple tool with relationship changing results.