Call it what you will. I call mine “My B.I.T.C.H. Brain” (pardon my language but you’ll see how it is fitting); it is that part of me, and part of you, that is not kind to our self. We all walk around with automatic thoughts that do not serve us and influence our thoughts, feelings, mood and reactions. What would it be like if we could let the power of the thoughts diminish so they no longer alter the best parts of us.
My personal example: “I am so stupid”. This b****y phrase used to pump through my blood, be top of mind in reaction to just about anything it saw fit. This is my negative self talk, my B-Brain…something I would say to myself when I dropped food on the floor, missed an exit off the highway, double booked my calendar, forgot a friend’s birthday, let the milk expire, not have a sparkling bathtub, not having an umbrella in a downpour. Luckily I don’t live like this anymore and P.S. I am so NOT stupid…
Chances are I learned this along the way and it continued to be reinforced over time. Upon quick examination, it is likely something I say to myself when IMPERFECTION is evident. Two things: Imperfection is always evident. Death, taxes and imperfection are the most reliable experiences! And two, to repeat: I KNOW in my logical brain I am not stupid so don’t get stuck on logic as you seek your “go-to” automatic negative thought(s).
Here’s why this matters in RELATIONSHIPS:
Automatic thoughts seem to be “in our blood”, they alter our perception, filter what we hear and shade the lens we look through at the world. Knowing what our automatic negative thought is will help us combat it’s influence. In terms of relationships, before I gained self awareness and the ability to combat the influence, there were plenty of times in relationships I found myself saying/feeling “He/she/they make me feel stupid…” No, no one ever did. It was an automatic thought I had in relation to perfection and a common theme of emotions such as inadequacy, lack of control/security, feeling unsure, feeling overwhelmed and the list goes on.
Imagine that:
I am overwhelmed, a person in my life raises my awareness about forgetting a friend’s birthday. My filter hears: “Hey, stupid you forgot a birthday”. This is not good for my relationship with myself or others! In addition, this negative self talk kept me from feeling comfortable accepting criticism, learning something new or how to do something better.
Here is some common negative self talk:
- I am not worth it
- I can not speak up for myself
- I do not like myself
- I can not trust myself
- I can not share my feelings
- I am not wanted
- I can not get what I want
- I will not succeed
- I can not do it
- I am not good enough
What is your negative self talk?
For example: “I am stupid”
I ____________.
I ____________.
I ____________.
What is opposite of your negative self talk?
For example: “I am wise, smart and have all I need”
I ____________.
I ____________.
I ____________.
How to combat your negative self talk:
- Get calm, quiet and ask yourself. When at your most defeated, saddened or worried, what runs through your head? When imperfection happens, what runs through your head? “I am not ___________________”. Go back through last week’s video and blog in order learn how to tap into your own intuition for find your answer. If nothing comes to you, simply take this as a seed planted and wait for the next time the thought goes through your head.
- Consider “threat levels”. What do you value in others and perhaps wish you had a wee bit more of. For example, I admire intelligence. I will never be on Jeopardy and that’s fine but this value demonstrates what I would feel sensitive about if threatened by imperfection.
- Practice the opposite. I now chuckle to myself at most of the imperfection triggers that would have at one time instigate me to say “I am so stupid…”. I have replaced the phrase by talking back to it- something like this: “…I am so stupid. No you are not, you simply forgot”. “…I am so stupid. No, you got this, you’re fine!” And my favorite: “Oh well! In the bucket!!!!!” (See episode 3).
- Find with who, where and when your negative automatic thoughts are opposite. Where do you naturally say the positive version of the automatic thoughts? Notice and reinforce constantly. More importantly, create opportunity to practice. Right this moment, take a very deep breath and say the most positive and opposite of your negative self talk, for example: “I am wise, smart and have all I need in me…”
- Repeat #4 as often as possible.
It is not always as easy as 3 steps to combat the well worn groove of automatic thoughts but we must start somewhere!
If you haven’t done it already, grab part 2 of my free workbook: Connection Strategies for Every Relationship – Clarity for Connection. The exercises will help you identify your feelings that will lead you to better understand your needs. Now that’s clarity!